Things Abe Lincoln has done
Saved Earth from the Apocalypse.
Taught underpriviledged school children how to read.
Rescued your Mother from drowning.
Played the original Darren on Bewitched.
Parted the Red Sea.
Advised Shakespeare to begin writing plays.
Discovered the polio vaccine.
Directed The Godfather Pts.I & II.
Pulled a baby out of a burning building.
Walked on the moon for the first time in human history.
Taught you what it means...to love.
Things Lincoln has NOT done
Started a forest fire.
Eaten a baby.
Cancelled Golden Girls.
Ran a plane into the Trade Center.
Spat in your soda when you weren't looking.
Hit Nancy Kerrigan in the knee with a crowbar (okay...maybe he did).
Been a member of the Manson Family.
Watched a Meg Ryan movie.
Bombed Pearl Harbor.
Directed The Godfather Pt.III.
Created an army of evil robots hellbent on destroying the planet Earth.
Taken a piss on your front lawn. More than once.